Starla  /  絵芽理・梨賦 (starladear6) wrote,
Starla  /  絵芽理・梨賦

Hello. I've moved. It's hard.

Here's an experiment:

I feel like writing in my livejournal. Let's see what happens.

Moving is hard. Writing about and talking about how hard it is is also apparently really hard... I was just staring at the screen trying to come up with something to say for a good 5 minutes.

Bottom line is that it's hard, and I need to write about it.

I've lived by myself for the last 4, 5, 6? years. And I was extremely proud of the stuff I'd earned and accomplished.

And then, I burned out at Google. And I tried to get myself to go to grad school. And that didn't really work out. So now I'm working only part time... making about 1/3 of what I made before (if that), living with friends (and boyfriend), to save money. Living with friends part is great in a lot of ways, but it's also terrifying because part of me feels like I've lost something. Lost some independence. Failed at something. Given up on something. "I suck at life" type feelings, I'm sure none of which are really fair or accurate, but I feel them anyway.

I've had two major nervous breakdowns in the last two days because adjusting to concepts like other people adding their Xbox profiles to "my" console made me terribly uncomfortable and frightened. It was stupid.

And, I've had almost no "down time" or true "alone time" since we moved in... which is making me really depressed. Before, even when I lived alone, I had to make my boyfriend go home several days a week just so I could recharge on my own. But that's not really possible now. At all. Since now we all live together.

I feel like I don't have "my own space" anymore at all. Everything in the house belongs to someone else, or I feel like is shared. (Sharing with the boyfriend is ok though. It doesn't make my head sad.) "My Stuff" is still mostly packed away in boxes. There's no room for a cat condo for Oliver, and I have no place to paint...

(On the plus side, constantly feeling like I'm living in someone else's house has made me a bit of a neat freak with regards to the shared spaces. I've swept, vacuumed, done dishes, organized, cleaned Oliver's litter OFTEN, etc. In my own apartment, I'd lived like a slob because no one else had to deal with my mess...)

It's been a hard transition. It's been a really rough weekend. I know that I will learn and grow from this experience, and it is good for me to struggle through this. I just need to find a way to carve out space that's "mine", or change in a drastic way that helps me to feel more comfortable. Adjust. Something.

Anyway... if I'm brave enough to leave this post up, props to me. If I delete it or hide it... well... that's my prerogative. :)
Tags: depression, housemates, moving
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